Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 11
The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, "Have you seen where they’re settling?"