I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
Robin Williams Quotes and Jokes
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence. The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.
Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."
Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"
When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack smoking, wife beating motherfucker."