Robin Williams Quotes and Jokes

195 quotes

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.

I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence. The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

I'm talkin 'bout a fine white wine... like Mad Dog 20/20.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, "Back up, I don't know how big this gets."

Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums.

When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack smoking, wife beating motherfucker."

And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.