Robin Williams Quotes and Jokes

195 quotes

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence. The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.

Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.

I'm talkin 'bout a fine white wine... like Mad Dog 20/20.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, "Back up, I don't know how big this gets."

Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums.

When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack smoking, wife beating motherfucker."

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.