Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.