A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.
Steven Wright Quotes and Jokes
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.