Steven Wright Quotes and Jokes


A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.