Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 3
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
My gran used to say, "here’s five dollars and don’t tell your mother that I’m giving this to you". I said, "it will cost you more than that".
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.