Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I had amnesia once or twice.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."