Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 5

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.