Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 7

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.