Quotes & Jokes by Adam Carolla / page 3

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

God didn't have an anal plan.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

Let me tell you something about the porn industry... they're a little short on brains and a little high on coke, but they're scrappy.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.