Quotes & Jokes by Adam Carolla / page 3
You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.
I understand porno and I understand getting high, but getting scared? What the fucks's in it for you?
Let me tell you something about the porn industry... they're a little short on brains and a little high on coke, but they're scrappy.
That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?
My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.
Your boyfriend worked your vagina like Rocky worked that side of beef for 45 minutes. A little blood is well within reason.