Albert Brooks Quotes and Jokes

41 quotes

I've seen the future! It's a bald-headed man from New York!

When I die, if the word "thong" appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

I have children. I have a family to support. But I really could live in a one-room apartment, as long as the television worked. I never needed anything. Just a comfortable chair and I'm fine.

Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.

I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's a calm night." Then I'd cross out night. It's noon. Because you know how much night costs. You know how much rain costs. Nothing comes free in movies.

I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.

So I think if you're happy with your brain, you're powerful.

You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.

Starting to drink now in preparation for New Years. No more last minute stuff like Christmas.

There's nothing funny about flying to Houston.

Relaxation is the absence of worry.

Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.

If anything happens to me tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.

When we spoke, he told me, 'The Newsweek thing has changed the world.' And I said, 'Wasn't it 9/11 that changed the world?' But Michael said he just didn't want to take a chance.

I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters.