Albert Brooks Quotes and Jokes


I've seen the future! It's a bald-headed man from New York!

I have children. I have a family to support. But I really could live in a one-room apartment, as long as the television worked. I never needed anything. Just a comfortable chair and I'm fine.

Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.

When I die, if the word "thong" appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

There's nothing funny about flying to Houston.

I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.

Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.

If anything happens to me tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.

When we spoke, he told me, 'The Newsweek thing has changed the world.' And I said, 'Wasn't it 9/11 that changed the world?' But Michael said he just didn't want to take a chance.

I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters.

If we had 3 million exhibitionists and only one voyeur, nobody could make any money.

I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's a calm night." Then I'd cross out night. It's noon. Because you know how much night costs. You know how much rain costs. Nothing comes free in movies.

My mother was supportive without knowing it. Deep down she wanted all the right things, she just didn't see the world like I did, and she's not supposed to.

So I think if you're happy with your brain, you're powerful.

You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.