Quotes & Jokes by Andy Kindler / page 3
I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.
Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.
Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"
CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y’know what CNN? I’m turning you on because I don’t know the news. I was hoping you could help me.
I’m still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I’m going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I’m going after Hitler.
Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.
Judge Judy went to the hospital because she was having intestinal troubles. Turns out, she hates her own guts.
Carrot Top will be doing a show about the history of ancient trunks. Gallagher will be smashing ancient fruit.
How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?
I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? ‘My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.’ Mission accomplished.
Many Zookeeper sequels in the works. Paul Blart Mall Keeper, Kevin James interacts with talking berets at Lids. Then there’s Morning Zookeepers, where he’s a morning deejay and interacting with talking animals.