Quotes & Jokes by Andy Kindler / page 4
Carrot Top will be doing a show about the history of ancient trunks. Gallagher will be smashing ancient fruit.
How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
Some of my inventions didn’t take off. I invented a url lengthener.
Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.
Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.
I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?
George Lopez does so much mugging, I’m surprised he’s not up on charges.
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.
The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said ‘get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
They should also use focus groups only if you’re researching how a cookie tastes.
George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don’t get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There’s no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.
My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.