Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 15
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!
I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.
In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.
So glad I'm not the only guy who thinks about killing everyone wearing a hoodie.
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Two words no woman should ever have to hear: Triple Mastectomy.
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.
I just started a fire in a crowded movie theater. Nobody said shit.
If you suspect your baby may be a problem drinker, please call my cell phone because he sounds fun to hang out with.
I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.