Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 14
I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.
I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.
A well-known Huston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage… Not the punchline. Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly’.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.
Why would anyone want to put a mosque at ground zero when we could put a Six Flags at ground zero?
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.
I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.
I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell "fire."
My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."