Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 14
North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.
I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.
A well-known Huston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage… Not the punchline. Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly’.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
Why would anyone want to put a mosque at ground zero when we could put a Six Flags at ground zero?
No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."
I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell "fire."
My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.