Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 14
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.
North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.
Why would anyone want to put a mosque at ground zero when we could put a Six Flags at ground zero?
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.
A well-known Huston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage… Not the punchline. Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly’.
My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.
I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."
If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.