Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 3
Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."
I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Like I’ll never forget the last time, we played that game, she was like Anthony. If you could have lunch with anyone in the world living or dead who would it be. And I said I don’t know, Caligula and she was really Caligula, that’s your answer, that’s what you’re going to say to me your girlfriend: are you sure, I said I am sorry baby, let me change that, I’d have lunch with you and you’d be dead.
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.
Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant. You might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
Women are really divided on abortion in this country. Half of them are cool, but the other half I have to drag down there.
Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.
My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?