Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 4
When I was born, I was my parents favorite. But then they seemed to forgot all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.
My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.
I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
I'm mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It's my computer. And he doesn't even watch anything.
Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.