Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 4

I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.

I want to get a tattoo of the word "irony", only misspelled.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.

Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

I'm mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It's my computer. And he doesn't even watch anything.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.

I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."