Quotes & Jokes by Arj Barker / page 3
Is it weird being a twin city? Do you sometimes know exactly what the other city's thinking?
You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.
I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks 'cause my parents owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the block egging houses with those big 'ole brown eggs. Like, you didn't have to be a detective to figure it out. 'Oh, I wonder who Tofuttied my mailbox. Is it the same evil genius who filled my bird bath with Rice Dream?'
Home is wherever I am. People make too big a deal about where you live. I try to be grounded in myself. Home is another way of saying 'a place where you keep all your stuff'.
All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap - you take your soap for a walk, you compliment the soap for a little while and then, suddenly, you just start hacking it up with a hunting knife.
I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that’s like runs batted in.
I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.
You don't just get a computer to get online. You gotta get other stuff. You better get a modem, or you're not getting on anything. You gotta get a monitor, that's what I found out. You gotta get a mouse. You gotta get a mouse pad. You gotta get a sperm guard for your keyboard.
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
I never thought I'd be a comedian. But, growing up, I simply loved watching comedy. The '80s was huge for comedy in the US. Eddie Murphy blew me away with his film Delirious.
I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.