Artie Lange Quotes and Jokes

58 quotes

When I was a kid, I was into The New York Jets. And then I got into girls as I got older, and then I got back into the Jets because I'd realized there's times when the girl won't fuck you, but the Jets will always fuck you.

Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".

Don't let Karen touch the sauce!

I'm 30 sit-ups away from the body of a young Mark Hamill.

I was in five movies that got a total of four stars from The Daily News. And the reviews of "Beer League" were nothing compared to "Dirty Work." The review in my home town paper, The Star Ledger, said that I "had all the charm of a date rapist." I felt really bad about that, then Norm MacDonald; he's trying to cheer me up, being totally serious; says "well, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist!"

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, "Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer’s kid’s bar mitzvah.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

I had a job that people in this business would absolutely kill for on the sitcom I was on, I was working with one of my best friends. Laurie Metcalf was in the cast, really talented people on the Warner Brothers lot in LA. I was a supporting character making 35 grand a week, some weeks I'd have two lines. I had a job making 35 grand a week where I didn't have to take anything to work; I didn't have a briefcase or a piece of paper. I had ridiculously lame, easy jokes to memorize; like the jokes on that show would be I'd go to Norm MacDonald and say 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' and he'd say 'No, I'm not thinking of cheeseburgers,' then I'd make a face like 'oh, you got me' and then I'd walk out and then I'd get 35 grand on a Friday. So I had a convertible Mercedes, I was living in a four-thousand dollar a month condo on Willshire and Beverly Hills, I was healthy, I was thin, I had a tan. Even with that life, creatively I was empty inside, I couldn't stand it, after two years I had to get out of there, I was going crazy pulling the hairs out of my head.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.