Quotes & Jokes by Aziz Ansari / page 4

At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.

It’s like I’m not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it’s super comfortable.

Like with Parks and Recreation, it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had.

Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.

I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.

Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the "business of rejection".

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.

I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.

I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.

Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.