Quotes & Jokes by Aziz Ansari / page 4
Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.
I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.
Nela - can you come and disinfect this please. I don't want our customers complaining that our fruit tastes like New Zealanders.
Like with Parks and Recreation, it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had.
Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.
I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.
It’s like I’m not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it’s super comfortable.
Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.
This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.