Aziz Ansari Quotes and Jokes

70 quotes

My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ - I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’

Well, MTV isn't really my cup of tea... mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea.

You missed a crazy party dude. I woke up with glitter on my dick!

Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.

Breaking is tough, turns are tough, but telling your parents you’re gay is the hardest part of rollerblading.

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.

Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.

Dress code: Black tie optional. Just like life.

Texting With Girls Dangerously Delicious Preview. I’ll text a girl, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away. Then I’ll say something like: “alright cool, you wanna get pizza on Tuesday?” And I don’t hear anything.

Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!

Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.