Aziz Ansari Quotes and Jokes

70 quotes

My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ - I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’

You missed a crazy party dude. I woke up with glitter on my dick!

Well, MTV isn't really my cup of tea... mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea.

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.

Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.

Dress code: Black tie optional. Just like life.

Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!

Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.

I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.

You don’t know Jay-Z’s schedule. He’s a Renaissance man.

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.