Quotes & Jokes by Bill Bailey / page 3

This shed does not contain me.

I'm English, and as such, I crave disappointment.

You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit"

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently...

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea".

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."