Quotes & Jokes by Bill Bailey / page 4

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...

There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard

[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise!

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.