Quotes & Jokes by Bill Bailey / page 4

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'