Bill Cosby Quotes and Jokes


A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.

How long can you tread water?

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

My mother was an authority on pigsties. This is the worst looking pigsty I've ever seen in my life.

Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".