Quotes & Jokes by Bill Engvall / page 6
She said, “Well, what are you gonna do when these little boys start coming over to the house?” I said, “Oh, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I’m gonna whisper in his ear and I’m gonna say, ‘Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That’s my only little girl, man. She’s my life. So if you have any thoughts about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison.’
We get in the club, and we are totally out of our element. There's this synthesizer-computer music going, there's these laser lights and black lights. It's just not our kind of gig. So we're standing there having a beer and all of sudden my friend goes, 'Hey man, check out that table over there. Those girls'. And there was a table of really young girls. Old enough to be in a bar, but younger than us. And I go 'Yeah'. And he goes 'I think they're checking you out'. I go 'Shut up. They're not checking me out'. Of course, in my head, I'm going 'Hell yeah, they're checking me out! What are you not seeing?'. And he goes 'Nah man, I think they're gonna come over'. I go 'Shut up'. And all of sudden, this one stands up, and she's about 5'10", smoking hot. She's got a little, tight dress on, cut up to the hip and she has locked eyes on me. And my friend goes 'Dude, you are dead'. And I turned around to talk to them and - this is when you know you have really good friends - they have all taken a step back from me. So now I'm just the turd in the punch bowl. And she is walking right at me and I'm thinking 'Oh my God'. In my head, this whole scenario is going down. I'm thinking 'Just be cool, let her down easy...'. And she walks up to me and says 'Hi'. And I go 'Hi'. She goes 'I'm Bridget'. And I go 'Hi Bridget, I'm fifty. And you're hot'. And I go 'So why don't we do this? Look, before this gets awkward, let me just buy your table a round of drinks, we'll call it a night, and it'll be over'. And she goes 'Okay. But we thought you were Cindy's dad. She's puking in the bathroom so we called him'.
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Bass Pro Shops and here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home." And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine. Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have. She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine. Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.
My wife was going through my car one night. She said looking for a map. I know it's bogus. 'Cause every time we drive anywhere, she knows exactly where we're going and has no problem telling me how to get there.
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.
A lady goes into a bar and orders a beer. So, she sits there and drinks it for a while. Well, a man comes in a few minutes later and liked to buy the lady another drink. He asks her, "Is that a beer you're drinking?" She's like, "No, it must be pee I'm drinking because it's a yellowish color." Duh!! Here's your sign.
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”
I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm..." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.
I pull up at the Christmas tree shop and I walk up and the guy says "hey you here to buy a tree?" "Nope, My son had to go to the bathroom and these trees looked mighty inviting." Here's your sign!
God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, "Yes ma’am! Those’ll work."
Y'all, I am screaming at my television set: they're spitting cobras, you moron!
See, all this stuff is turning me into this guy I don't want to be: that grouchy old, get-off-my-yard guy. Remember that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everyone. I hate kids'. It's making me this grouchy guy and I don't want to be it. But I'll give you a great example. The other day, I was in my car and I got stuck behind a school bus. Now, I don't know if you've been stuck behind a school bus before, but once you're there, you're stuck. I've passed kidney stones quicker than you can get around a school bus.