Quotes & Jokes by Bill Engvall / page 7
We bought a piece of stereo equipment, you know inside the box they put that little package of drying agent. And on this in big bold letters, what does it say? ‘Do not eat this’. You ever bought a piece of stereo equipment thinkin’ there might be somethin’ to eat in there?
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"
I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time and the directions said "Grease the bottom of the pan." So, she greased the bottom of the pan... You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?" I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".
A lady goes into a bar and orders a beer. So, she sits there and drinks it for a while. Well, a man comes in a few minutes later and liked to buy the lady another drink. He asks her, "Is that a beer you're drinking?" She's like, "No, it must be pee I'm drinking because it's a yellowish color." Duh!! Here's your sign.
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, "I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat?" He said, "Peanut Butter." I said, "If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick?" He said, "no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down."