Quotes & Jokes by Bill Engvall / page 7
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Bass Pro Shops and here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home." And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine. Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have. She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine. Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.
I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time and the directions said "Grease the bottom of the pan." So, she greased the bottom of the pan... You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?" I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
A lady goes into a bar and orders a beer. So, she sits there and drinks it for a while. Well, a man comes in a few minutes later and liked to buy the lady another drink. He asks her, "Is that a beer you're drinking?" She's like, "No, it must be pee I'm drinking because it's a yellowish color." Duh!! Here's your sign.
I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
See, all this stuff is turning me into this guy I don't want to be: that grouchy old, get-off-my-yard guy. Remember that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everyone. I hate kids'. It's making me this grouchy guy and I don't want to be it. But I'll give you a great example. The other day, I was in my car and I got stuck behind a school bus. Now, I don't know if you've been stuck behind a school bus before, but once you're there, you're stuck. I've passed kidney stones quicker than you can get around a school bus.