Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 10

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!

Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake.

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you`re not married and having children, it`s like your life is empty or you`re a communist meanie.

It's not a mystery to me what happened with 9/11. These guys are out there. We knew they were out there. It was a failure of will on our part to address the situation 10 years before. There is no big mystery about it.

It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."

I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.

Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.