Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 10

I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".

I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.

Religions are maintained by people. People who can't get laid, because sex is the first great earthly pleasure. But if you can't get that, power is a pretty good second one. And that's what religion gives to people. Power. Power is sex for people who can't get or don't want or aren't any good at sex itself.

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes - Bunnyland?

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

It's not a mystery to me what happened with 9/11. These guys are out there. We knew they were out there. It was a failure of will on our part to address the situation 10 years before. There is no big mystery about it.

Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.