Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 11

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.

If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts!

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.

We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.

We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."

The "Power of One" is a slogan - not a goal.

What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes - Bunnyland?

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".

If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, "Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!"

But I’ve often said that if I had - I have two dogs - if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.