Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 11

Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.

Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake.

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you`re not married and having children, it`s like your life is empty or you`re a communist meanie.

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.

Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."

If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, "Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!"

Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this.

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

The "Power of One" is a slogan - not a goal.