Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 11

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, "Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!"

Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.

We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

The "Power of One" is a slogan - not a goal.

If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.

You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Clinton could have done a better job with the hurricane while having sex.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.

In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts!

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."