Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 11

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."

You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.

I think pornography stops rape, AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic.

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, "Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!"

Clinton could have done a better job with the hurricane while having sex.

It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."

I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.