Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 5

Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!

We're always on a tightrope. We're trying to put together people who don't make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We're mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis.

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?

Just honest. To me, being 'politically incorrect' means the opposite of being political - which means to spin everything. That's all it's ever meant to me. It's never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.

When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.

Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!

In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.

I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.

Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.

You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a fuck-up by a guy on vacation.

If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.