Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 6
White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn't turn out that way!
My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.
Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?
You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a fuck-up by a guy on vacation.
I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.
You can't lie to kids about drugs. They know about drugs. You can't say they're just all bad. They know life is a little more complicated. I have never done heroin. I would never recommend heroin, but it hasn't hurt my record collection.
I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.
I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980's. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway.
The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I've said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product.
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
President Bush never really has to answer a question. Nobody ever says to him, "With due respect, sir, your answer had absolutely nothing to do with the question I asked."
The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.
Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.