Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 8

Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.

In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”

Stop worrying. Hollywood won't turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs... I will.

That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

I think religion is bad and drugs are good.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

At least half of the Ten Commandments are stupid!

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.

How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!

When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.