Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 8

In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”

Love does not conquer all.

Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.

I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.

There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder".

Stop worrying. Hollywood won't turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs... I will.

I think religion is bad and drugs are good.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.

When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.