Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 7

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

That's religion. You pray. You bow. You kneel. You fast. You trim the balls of a giant space penis.

President Bush never really has to answer a question. Nobody ever says to him, "With due respect, sir, your answer had absolutely nothing to do with the question I asked."

They’re all for changing the laws except when it comes to their campaign donors.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, "Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party."

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking - its nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable it, and elevate it, are our intellectual slaveholders - keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction.

Love does not conquer all.

And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?

Stop worrying. Hollywood won't turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs... I will.

All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if "Politically Incorrect" has to go down for it, so be it!

I was raised half-Jewish and half-Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned… and you know my attorney, Mr. Cohen.”

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder".