Quotes & Jokes by Bob Monkhouse

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I got my start in silent radio.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.