Quotes & Jokes by Bob Monkhouse / page 2

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

It got up to 94 degrees today - that's pretty good at my age.