Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 10

Norm MacDonald. Norm, you're the funniest man I know. Because these are the other people that I know.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say "I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean". I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house." and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

My book editor asked me if I wanted an extension and I told him, it's okay, I'm happy with the length of my penis.

I don't like the negative of reality tv - the "you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me". It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

You know, it's really rude to yell at your cock in front of people, and I apologize.

When you have a good time there is no time.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

A guy recently came up to me and said, "Bob, you are the shit." I said "Thank you for adding the word 'the.'"

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.