Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 10

Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house." and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

My book editor asked me if I wanted an extension and I told him, it's okay, I'm happy with the length of my penis.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

A guy recently came up to me and said, "Bob, you are the shit." I said "Thank you for adding the word 'the.'"

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

When you have a good time there is no time.

I don't like the negative of reality tv - the "you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me". It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. <br /> [ looks around] I'm fucked.