Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 3

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You’d be nervous too if you knew that one day you’d get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.

I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soul mate, but what she said was 'cell mate.'

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

I would actually go up during those; it was kind of scary for the people at first and then they were happy. Now, there's a couple amazing people out on the road like Pablo Francisco and Dane Cook is out there and they're building a huge audience with the craft of stand up comedy.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.