Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 3

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You’d be nervous too if you knew that one day you’d get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soul mate, but what she said was 'cell mate.'

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.