Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 3

I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soul mate, but what she said was 'cell mate.'

I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of "Full House" was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You’d be nervous too if you knew that one day you’d get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

Kids, do not fuck that shit; you'll get an infection.

Ahhh, where is my face?! I lost so much face on that show, I don't even exist anymore!

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.