Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 4

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, "Where did he touch you?" She said, "On my knee, Bobby."

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, "You need to meet other people."

I am fucked up. I apologize from the bottom of my cock. I'm sorry for my ass and my sack. It's my fault, my bad. Who's your daddy? Say my name, look me in the eye.

Every day you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Don't be talking to yourself in the mirror today, you're alone in your house.'

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

It's never good to change yourself for someone else. Unless you really suck.

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?