Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 4

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, "Where did he touch you?" She said, "On my knee, Bobby."

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, "You need to meet other people."

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

Every day you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Don't be talking to yourself in the mirror today, you're alone in your house.'

I am fucked up. I apologize from the bottom of my cock. I'm sorry for my ass and my sack. It's my fault, my bad. Who's your daddy? Say my name, look me in the eye.

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"