If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!
You can't blame the President for everything that's wrong with this country. That's like blaming Ronald McDonald if you get a bad cheeseburger.
America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.
I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.
For a day and a half, the National Guard was here, and they didn't go to work. Do you remember why? No bullets. I found it really hard to believe that that was the same crackerjack unit that Dan Quayle once belonged to.
I'm against gun control. It's not that I like guns, it's just that allowing Americans to have guns will increase the chances that a bunch of rednecks will blow each other's heads off.
If you ever see me at a boat show or at a car show, blow my head off.
Don't hoo, hoo, hoo me. There's a fine line between hoo, hoo, hoo and hiel, hiel, hiel.
When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.
Well, I’m an uncle now ... don’t know if I’m a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.
I retired from acting the same time they stopped hiring me. But following my own thing of making these small indie movies has been the happiest I've ever been.
Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased. Now it's like I was never the kid who got arrested. Now I'm a wonderful son.
That movie looks so bad, I can't believe I wasn't in it.
They can't even put the name in TV Guide.