Bonnie McFarlane Quotes and Jokes

46 quotes

My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She's a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born that way retard. I learned a long time ago that if you're going to tell a story about your retarded sister, you need to mention she's retarded right off the bat or inevitably, at the end of the story, someone will say, "What... is she, retarded?" And then you have to go, "Uh... yeah, she is." Followed by a lengthy, awkward silence.

I don't want to brag, but I do speak Pig Latin; I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.

Once my sister busted a nut watching a headliner I worked with. He closed his set by miming the insertion of a tampon up his asshole. I don't recall the exact joke. After his set my sister made a beeline for him, running roughshod over the other more delicate comedy groupies. She gushed about his tampon bit and then told him he should get an actual tampon and really stick it up there. And then she laughed like crazy. I thought it was a good note.

When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator.

I've always dated Jewish men, and I don't know why. What am I saying? I know exactly why that is - it's because I have a really little vagina.

I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called a Mexican.

I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad’s atheist, my mom’s agnostic. Just constant fighting. "There’s no God!" "There might be!"

My sister likes comedy. And she likes it a little mean sometimes. She'll point out your fat ass or ask if you're wearing a wig. She knows how to dish it out, too.

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

I got a new diaphragm - well, it's new to me.

I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.

As for that word... Retard. I tried to get my sister to start calling her friends retard, you know, to take the word back. Own the power. They could be like, "Yo, Tardo!" "Hey, Retard, what up?" to one another. But if a non-retarded person said it, they'd get pissed, "No, thas our word!" But it's a complicated game of irony and my sister doesn't play that shit. She refuses to use the word retard for fear she might hurt someone's feelings. Me, I'm not so nice.

There's no such thing as a feminist - just women who pay for their own breast implants.

Such a politically correct time. I used to do a lot of racial material, but then people would think I was a racist and I'm not - anymore.

If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.