Quotes & Jokes by Carlos Mencia / page 3

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.

I love mullets. The other day, in Pittsburgh, I saw the greatest mullet I've ever seen. I can't describe it. It was just the mullet of all time; complete 'business in the front, party in the back.' I've never seen anything like it.

I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.

Instead of uniting America, we want to separate each other because, you know, Mexicans eat tacos and white people eat beef stroganoff and black people eat chicken. 'That makes us different.' No, that makes you hungry.

America is such a great country, we have fat poor people.

Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew... you're probably an asshole too.

Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!"

Blacks and Mexicans do the dumbest shit. The dumbest genocide. Killing each other other fuckin' gang territory that doesn't even belong to us. But when its comes to those crazy "I'll kill 30 kids, bury them under my house and dress up like a clown", white people you take the cake on that shit... Of all the people who got fired from the post office and came to shoot the post office up, how many of them were Black or Mexican? None. And we get fired all the fucking time.

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

What do you come out on the news saying? 'We want to be treated like equals in the workplace.' No you don't. You want to be treated like a woman in the workplace, and you want to get paid like an equal. That's what you want. Because when men treat you like equals, what do you do? You send us to sensitivity training, bitch. That's what you do.

A lot of people out there are going to ask 'why did they interview Carlos about this? Carlos is a joke thief, Carlos steals jokes and we know this.' Listen to me and look at me when I tell you this, with all honesty: if you think that I steal jokes, fuck yeah, you're right! Of course I fucking steal jokes, are you out of your fucking mind? When I come to a comedy club, you better run, bitch, you better get the fuck off stage because if anything you say is even remotely funny, I'm going to make it mine. And all I'm going to do is say 'Mexican' in the front. I'm like a rapper, I just sample shit and make it my own. Was that really my song? I don't know, but it sounds like mine, but it kind of sounds like somebody else's. It's a hit, bitch!

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.