Quotes & Jokes by Carlos Mencia / page 4

I'm not white - I don't apologize for what made my country great.

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

I got in trouble because I came here, and I said, 'Hey, San Francisco! There's a lot of races here. I want to go find the beaners.' So I look on the map... I kept looking on the map for something beaner, and then I went 'Oh there's where the beaners hang out obviously: Castro.' How you gonna name the gay neighborhood after us, man? I thought I was gonna go hang out with beaners - I got fucked. That ain't right, man.

Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady.

Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.

A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!

And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?

Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.

A lot of people out there are going to ask 'why did they interview Carlos about this? Carlos is a joke thief, Carlos steals jokes and we know this.' Listen to me and look at me when I tell you this, with all honesty: if you think that I steal jokes, fuck yeah, you're right! Of course I fucking steal jokes, are you out of your fucking mind? When I come to a comedy club, you better run, bitch, you better get the fuck off stage because if anything you say is even remotely funny, I'm going to make it mine. And all I'm going to do is say 'Mexican' in the front. I'm like a rapper, I just sample shit and make it my own. Was that really my song? I don't know, but it sounds like mine, but it kind of sounds like somebody else's. It's a hit, bitch!

Every single man in this room has crapped his pants. There is not a man in here that has not done that. Sometimes we don't even know when it happens. Sometimes we take off our underwear and go, 'Oh my God, where did that come from?' That's where the term 'holy shit' comes from.

You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE.

I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.