Quotes & Jokes by Carlos Mencia / page 4
What do you come out on the news saying? 'We want to be treated like equals in the workplace.' No you don't. You want to be treated like a woman in the workplace, and you want to get paid like an equal. That's what you want. Because when men treat you like equals, what do you do? You send us to sensitivity training, bitch. That's what you do.
Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!"
Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.
I got in trouble because I came here, and I said, 'Hey, San Francisco! There's a lot of races here. I want to go find the beaners.' So I look on the map... I kept looking on the map for something beaner, and then I went 'Oh there's where the beaners hang out obviously: Castro.' How you gonna name the gay neighborhood after us, man? I thought I was gonna go hang out with beaners - I got fucked. That ain't right, man.
Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.
When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.
In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.
You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE.
I'm not white - I don't apologize for what made my country great.
A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!
And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!