Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 18

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

Everyone, calm down. I met with Mr. Cent about a potential project. There's nothing to report yet, I'll let you know if there is.

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.

People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

First of all, i’m not an actor - I’m an asshole.

I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, “You know, Chelsea, you don’t have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.”<br /> I’m like, “Listen, fucknut, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

If your name is ‘Christina’ and you spell it ‘Xtina’, there’s a 99% chance you’ve given your stepdad a blowjob.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.