Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 18

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

Everyone, calm down. I met with Mr. Cent about a potential project. There's nothing to report yet, I'll let you know if there is.

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”

First of all, i’m not an actor - I’m an asshole.

I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, “You know, Chelsea, you don’t have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.”<br /> I’m like, “Listen, fucknut, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

If your name is ‘Christina’ and you spell it ‘Xtina’, there’s a 99% chance you’ve given your stepdad a blowjob.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.