Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 17
When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.
I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.