Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 17
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.