Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 4
Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby.
Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house - obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she’s out with her friends and they’re like, ‘Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.’
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, its not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
Men don't realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.