Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 5

Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event - many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.

I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

I could blame a lot of my life on alcohol and I don’t. I just know I’m a fucking loser.

"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.

He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.

Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' - always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

You never think when you're a little girl that you're going to grow up and be the whore. When I was a little girl, I was like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity." I had all these big dreams. Then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.