Quotes & Jokes by Chris Hardwick / page 3

Being constructively critical is good, as long as your purpose is to improve your methods for future endeavors. Lying in bed and replaying failures and telling yourself you’re stupid is a tremendous disservice to your efforts and what you can offer the world.

Humans cannot produce viable offspring with our closest animal cousin: the chimpanzee. We cannot impregnate a chimp. So you know what that means? No condoms.

There's not many a man who would get shot and then come visit the family responsible.

You can't touch the strippers. Why are you paying to not touch someone? That is weird. How do you win in that situation? That is like walking into a deli, starving, and being like, 'Here's $300 - can I stare at the roast beef? Better yet, I'll sit down in this chair and you can mash it around my mouth and balls.'

Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?

A “Nerd” is someone who homes in on a topic to an almost quantum detail, much of the time at the expense of healthy social interaction.

The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don’t take themselves seriously.

There’s no ironic appreciation of things we love, even of things that are in fact ridiculous, which a hipster might take and own and show the world the humor in it.

Playing Xbox for 23 hours straight is cool and all, but I’m going to teach you how to spend time on things in your life that will get you the following two things: paid and laid.

I was worried if I got my driver’s license I’d start winning all the NASCAR races.

If you wish to achieve any success in this life, do your best to surround yourself with an orgy of good choices.

I wanted her in a bad way, though I wasn’t sure exactly for what. Had she one day suddenly turned and yelled, “Jam it in!” at me, I’m not convinced I’d have known what to do.

She goes, 'You just took me bowling to impress me.' 'Well, yes. Another strike for me. Are you ready for my seed yet, or should I move on to juggling?'

Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.

Ultimately, it's the best decision I've ever made in my life. There's an economy of energy that you have in your life. You just have to devote it to things that are good for you, for the most part, that's more constructive than drinking. And one of them doesn't end in uncontrollable vomiting and crying...