Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 6

214 quotes

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.

Pretty girls have problems too.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Do you know? What the fuck do women want? l know what you want: everything.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies.

If it's all white, it's all right!

Every time a man's being nice to women, he's offering you dick.

You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do … is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, "Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!"