Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 7

It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.

I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads. I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

Every time a man's being nice to women, he's offering you dick.

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

It's just sad to see some white person trying to do a nigger-less rendition of a Dr. Dre song. It's just fuckin' depressing.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama" … nobody tells daddy shit!

My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.

A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!

The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.