Christian Finnegan Quotes and Jokes

46 quotes

Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a couple yards away, until you realize it's a bunch of shit you don't need.

Nothing will rob you of what little testosterone you do have like crawling into a bed with a chihuahua. As a guy you could be wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, carrying dandelions and licking a penis-shaped lollipop and that, my friends, would be one third as gay as waking up in the morning to find you and a chihuahua are spooning.

You were born on April Fool’s Day because you’re a dick.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

I knew the minute I met my wife, I looked at her and said, 'Oh my God, that is the woman I'm going to spend the next four to seven years with.'

The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: "Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!"

Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you’re starting your own business, don’t even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I’m your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.

I certainly do believe that a lot of comedy comes from awkwardness and embarrassment - pointing out the ways things are uncomfortable. Definitely the stuff that interests me. I don’t necessarily think that comedy comes from a dark place, like you have to be a strung-out heroin addict. But I don’t think it comes from happiness, that’s for sure. It comes from frustration and suppressed rage, and wishing the world were different.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.