Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 12
Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a "failed jobs program."
She had just ended an abusive relationship and I had just ended an abusive relationship and now both of us just wanted a relationship where we could make somebody else fucking pay!
In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an "ignorant, pushy people" person.
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
She was moving to Los Angeles, so I thought, ‘Hey, you know? I’ll go with her.’ So when we get out to LA... The relationship, you know, once the geography changed, my God... It was a fucking nightmare!
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.
Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."
Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.