Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 12
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an "ignorant, pushy people" person.
She had just ended an abusive relationship and I had just ended an abusive relationship and now both of us just wanted a relationship where we could make somebody else fucking pay!
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.
Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!
To every race of people in here tonight that whitey has jacked up, I sincerely apologize - for taking your land, for the abuse, for the torture, for the small pox blanket, for the Jim Crow laws. Black people, I apologize for Kramer.
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!
I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."
She was moving to Los Angeles, so I thought, ‘Hey, you know? I’ll go with her.’ So when we get out to LA... The relationship, you know, once the geography changed, my God... It was a fucking nightmare!
Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."